Oh, good lord...

Okay, there's research, and then there's the Muse wandering down blind internet alleys; whilst she did file a legitimate enquiry somewhere at the head of this breadcrumb trail, this item probably has very little to do with the original question. Although I will agree that it's amusing in its own disturbed way.

mmm, Tech Stuff...

Live human at $DSL_Provider has been tracked down at long last and agreed to send replacement modem for price of shipping. Fingers crossed that this is indeed the underlying issue, since Component #3 in the chain to examine would be Gareth-who-was-Gaius himself and that's the pricy thing... {goes off to lie in wait for UPS}